Salt the Wounds and Burn the Past
by Aerilyn
Summary: Though they had never met her, she loved those two Winchester boys enough to follow them through all of the monsters and demons, never being able to touch or even talk to them. But Billie was no ordinary spirit, and a secret in the journal of John Winchester was all that it took to connect her to the two boys she loved most...
1. Prologue: A Little Pink Blanket

_She should have been staring staring up at him, with her entire hand wrapped around his finger. Even if she had been crying, it would still have brought a smile to his face. But she didn't move, and she didn't make a sound. _

_She was wrapped in a pink blanket that he bought not even half an hour ago, in the hospital's gift shop. There was a little "W" embroidered on the corner, and the funny thing was that John didn't notice the letter until he had gotten back to the room. _

_He tried to imagine that she was just asleep, and any minute now she would open those beautiful eyes and stare around the room._

_But after all those years of monster hunting, John's imagination wasn't as strong as it used to be._

_"John..." He almost didn't feel the warm hand on his shoulder._

_"I know. We have to make a decision." He couldn't look away from the little face framed in that pink fleece blanket. _

_Of all the decision he knew they would have to make-names, nursery colors, schools-this was one decision that he never expected. Burial or cremation-logically he knew it was a normal decision, but when applied to the little baby he held in his arms, it seemed sickening._

_"Burial." He looked over at her, lying tired and trembling in the hospital bed, and his lips drew up. It wasn't much of a smile, but it was all that he could muster. _

_"John, promise me you won't tell the boys. They've been through so much already..." Her voice trailed off, as she laid back down and closed her eyes. She had cried all the tears she could possibly squeeze from her tear ducts, and now she was just exhausted and...guilty. _

_She knew John's life-it had been the same life of her late husband. How could she explain something like that to her daughter? All the missed birthday parties and school plays and soccer games. John wouldn't be able to be in her life the way she needed, and there were a few times that she thought maybe it would be better if the baby was never born. But she never meant it-she never thought something like this would happen._

_He nodded, thinking of the two little boys who would never know of their little sister._

_"Mr. Winchester?"_

_John turned toward the door, where a nurse was walking through with something in her hands. "I though the two of you would like to have these." She placed two photos on the table next to John, and quietly slipped out without another word._

_They were two pictures of their daughter, taken for remembrance tokens for the parents after she had been delivered. They made John smile, and after a moment he carefully fished a pen from his pocket and flipped the photo over, juggling the infant in his arms. They told them to take all the time they needed, and John intended to do just that._

_He scrawled a single word across the back of the photo..._

_Billie. _


	2. What Am I?

"Look Dean, I said I was sorry!"

"No Sammy-sorry is when you step on my foot, not when you make us drive three hours in the wrong direction!" Dead slammed the Impala's door and kicked at the ground in frustration.

"The names were almost identical!"

Billie leaned against the trunk of the Impala, grateful to be out of the car despite the fact that they were in the wrong town. If she had to listen to one more AC/DC song she would lose her friggin mind-well, if she had an actual mind.

"Let's just get something to eat," Dean growled as he stalked toward the diner they had parked in front of. "And don't you say anything to me while we're in here. I'm dangerously close to decking you in the face!" Dean added as he turned and pointed to his brother.

Sam sighed and nodded, running his hand through his hair. Yeah, he knew he had done a stuid thing, but it wasn't like he meant to do it. Carverton and Carverston-one letter, one letter! And now they were on the other side of Nebraska, 300 miles away from where they were supposed to be.

Sam started to mumble under his breath as he stalked behind his brother. "Why would they even name two cities that close-"

"Sam! Shut up! Now!" Dean's eyes were so wide Billie thought Sam would be picking up eye balls in the next few seconds.

* * *

Billie leaned her elbows on the table, looking down at the omelette that Dean wasted no time in devouring. She had often wondered what food tasted like. From the way she had seen Dean eat, she figured food was the greatest thing for the flesh and bloods.

She let her eyes dance away from the mutilated omlette and walk across the rest of the diner, from person to person. It must have been cold here, because everyone had on coats and hats, though she didn't know what "hot" or "cold" really were. To her they were just words, just like "hungry" and "tired" and "I have to piss."

She knew if they could see her she would have looked way out of place, possibly borderline crazy. She only wore a dark blue sundress, though it wasn't so much actual "clothes" as it was an extension of her, and no shoes. Since when did spirits need shoes? Actually, since when did spirits need clothes either? She could have walked around naked and no one would have seen anything. That was one thing she didn't quite understand-why a blue dress? There were still a ton of things she couldn't answer about what she was. Yeah, she got the whole ghost and unfinished business thing-she had picked that up from travelling with the boys, but it was all the delicate little details that she couldn't account for. She was...different. She had hoped that maybe one day they would encounter a creature like her and she would have all the answers that she needed, and her existence would be wrapped up neatly with a nice little bow and ghostly wrapping paper.

But that had yet to come to pass.

"So what are we going to do-" Sam tried to ask Dean, until he picked up a fork and pointed it toward Sam.

"Sam, what did I say outside?"

Sam leaned back against the awful upholstery of the booth, with his hands up in defeat.

Billie rolled her eyes. She was used to this now, after fifteen years-wait, had it been fifteen years? After a while time started to slip away. It wasn't the same for her as it was for the flesh and bloods. She didn't have to think back on past memories-they all swam together for her, not in linear progression but in a big cloud.

Well she called them "memories", but they weren't true memories. Everything she "remembered" about going on hunts with the boys, those were things she had experienced in death. She didn't even have any "true memories", like all the other spirits she had encountered.

Even that day in the hospital, watching John cry over her in that pink blanket...

An arm suddenly appeared right in front of her face and she jerked back. The waitress smiled at her-well, not really at her, more like smiling through her at Dean. The waitresses were always smiling at Dean.

"Here you go," she said, lying down a slip of paper on the table. Dean glanced up at her and she giggled. She looked to be about sixteen or seventeen, which would be the age most would guess for Billie if they could see her.

That was another thing that baffled her-why this age? Why not a little girl, or a grown woman? Why did the "powers that be" choose this form for a wandering spirit? On the other hand, wandering the world as an infant would probably be ridiculous and of no use to her, either.

"For the next thirty seconds the only word you're allowed to say to me is ok, got it?" Dean pulled a map out of his back pocket, creased and ripped from years of use, and slapped it down on the table as the waitress reluctantly moved on to the next table.

"We'll stay here for the night, then get an early start in the morning," Dean said without waiting for Sam to answer him.

"Well as much fun as this is, I think I'm going to wait by the car." Billie mumbled under her breath as she got up from the table, but it wasn't like anyone could hear her. She wondered which hole-in-the-wall roach motel Dean would pick this time-he had a special talent for always picking the worst ones it seemed. She guessed that was his "supernatural" ability-Sam had his whole psychic/demon thing and Dean could spot a rat hole from a mile away.

Not that it really bothered her. Spirits didn't sleep, so she had a vast array of cheesy late-night cable movies to use at her disposal.

She sat on the hood of the car, watching all the flesh and bloods as they walked by, or drove by, and some were even riding bikes.

Three of them in particular caught her eye, though she wasn't sure why. Two teenage boys were walking side by side, and in the middle of them, holding their hands was a little girl. She was looking up at them and talking, but Billie couldn't hear what they were saying. Every few moments one of the boys would say something, and she would laugh.

Billie tapped her heel against the rubber of the tire, watching as the little family passed by the diner. She almost gasped when the little girl tripped, but the boys had such a tight grip on her that she didn't fall. One of the boys spotted the culprit-a lose shoe string. He leaned down and tied it for her before they continued their little journey down the street.

Billie let her head drop. Maybe she did know why those particular ones caught her eye. Though she had been with the boys these last few years, she had missed out on so much. She'd never been taught how to tie her shoes, or ride a bike or drive a car. She'd never been out on a date, or even had a first kiss.

She was still looking at the ground and didn't even see Sam and Dean as they emerged from the diner.

"Hey girlie-off the wheels!"

Dean's tone startled Billie, and she turned her head around expecting to see some young teenager sitting on the car. If there was one thing that Dean loved after Sam, it was the car.

But there was no one-hmmm, odd...

"Hey-blue dress! I'm talking to you!"

Billie swung her head back around and her met eyes with Dean. It was the strangest feeling-it was like he was looking right at her.

"Are you deaf? Sam, what's sign language for get the heck off my car?"

Billie shifted off the car and took a careful step toward Dean. "Are you-are you talking to me?" _Of course not Billie. He'd have to be able to see you to talk to you_.

"Well you seem to be the only one leaning against my car!"

How was this even possible right now? "So you-you can see me? Like physically see me?"

"Uh, yeah. I guess your cloak of invisibility must have short circuited," Dean laughed lightly.

At that moment, fear laced its way through her. She should have been happy at the chance to actually speak with them, but joy seemed to be on vacation for the day.

Something was wrong here.


End file.
